Send me Dead Flowers by the US Mail and I won't forget to put Roses on Your Grave

 NO REST FOR THE WEARY

I have covid, or al least the test implified I had contracted it. Fortifying myself with Alka Selzer Cold Plus, cough syrup and a box of kleenex, accompanied by a mask, I ventured out into the sunshine drenched cold Friday and headed to the laundry mat (four loads = 20$), Kroger (more money and bologna), Post office (Ebay waits for noone), Walmart for shipping boxes and candy. After arriving at the laundry I realized I had left behind the essential, the one huge bag of smelly urine soaked pants that absolutely had to be washed as best as it could be. So I headed back and as it seened, started over. I bought second hand roses and took over to Cathy's grave. She has been on my mind a lot lately. Especially after being contacted by Stefanie, an old friend from the NS in Louisville days. 

I always wondered what would happen if I got sick. How would I cope with J and all his needs. I found out this week that I can not be sick. And since it is inevitable that I will be sick, I must carry on. I miss Cathy for so many reasons and new ones every day. She was the most difficult and complicated person I have ever know besides my husband. She was the most loyal friend one could ever want and then again the most distant and cold person on the face of the earth. I believe she knew me better than anyone because I spent the most time with her beginning with out college days in 1971 and our off and on again friendship thru 2017 when I had a hunch and checked the obituaries upon arriving home from our short lived residency  in Florida and there she was.

It was like a rock was smashed against my heart. I was searching for her to mend (yet again) another fence over a silly  spat we had over my not returning a phone call. She knows I'm bad about that but this one time (2015) she told me not to bother to ever try to talk or contact her again (cold and distant). It was my fucking fault for not reaching out immediately. I was involved in some drama in my own life - the move to Florida which at first I thought was cool to have two home, like I'd made it - the ultimate dream 2 homes!!!.

Everyone tries to be support in this journey I am on. They call,offer help and are there for me. But Cathy is the one I would have let help. I would have let in. 

I leave flowers on her grave when I can.